That word cuts into my heart the same way those texts to other women did. How can someone be seasonal?
You weren’t seasonal when I carried your child for a short blessing. When I moved in with you. When you held me at my friends funeral. Or when I held you at your brother’s. You weren’t seasonal when I was planning a family with you or hinting at a proposal.
How can someone be seasonal? And why does it seem I always am for everyone in life?
Trigger*** I talk about drugs in a symbolic manner on this post!
You my love, are my drug. But you aren’t here anymore. You left with me in the depths of my own demons.
The feeling of losing control and not knowing what to do. The cold sweats and sleepless nights. The side of the bed you’re supposed to be occupying. The constant panic of needing you next to me. It wasn’t until you drifted to the next one that I understood the addiction you caused in me.
I relied on you and depended on you. What makes me any different than those that are labeled junkies? Now that I can’t fill myself with your attention and physical presence, I feel myself falling apart. The constant feeling you’re falling in a dream, only I won’t wake up. A never ending nightmare.
I decided to publish my thoughts and the realities I go through. Early twenties are supposed to be the highlight of my life, right? Instead, I am going through a symbolic divorce. Accounting 101 didn’t prepare me for this. But instead of holding this in, I am taking control of my life and showing the world I’m that bitch.
Here, I am myself and those that read this I hope you can connect to my pieces. They may not be for you but this is my journey to finding who I am. Post college, post breakup, and post innocence.
Call me Fire. Or Water. Depending how I interpret each blog.
Fire. Water. Both?